I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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