Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
