I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Someone came in the potted fern
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
And then he peed in my hair
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
