i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
