Don't make out with my wife yet
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
