The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
