I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
