how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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