so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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