Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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