college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
