Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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