I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
sarcasm needs its own font
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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