I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The uberlube is also flammable
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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