Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
you made out with another girl for some wings
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
