I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
