I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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