That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
