The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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