coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
A bitchslap is in order.
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