Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
