There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
