Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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