I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
