She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
