i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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