so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
