if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
