I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
