the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
