OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
