You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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