all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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