clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
