we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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