remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
