Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
