i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
