she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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