i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think your dad took our porno
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
