Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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