she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize