I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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