dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
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