i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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