five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
