Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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