she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
