Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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