Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize