Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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