Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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