You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize