Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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