Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
