he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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