I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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