A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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