There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
