So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
