I just threw up on my dentist
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
