I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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